《Snakes》

here
another English post
how cool's that

I've been thinking alot
I mean
A LOT.
first it's about my life
this fucked up one
I mean I knew how would it be since like three years ago
but even when now I'm sitting here on the toilet trying to escape from reality for 5 more minutes and 5 more minutes
I still can't believe it's like this
my father's like,
took away everything I really like
took away the kind of life I want to live
took away all my precious energies
took away my right to live a normal young people life
took away my own future and replaced with his version

and then tell me
I'm not good enough.
everyday.
every.bloody.day.
I've been struggled like this for like ages
never getting an answer
I mean
I know he did all this for my own good
that's why it's more fucked up
because now
what I can't accept
is the truth that I can't fight him
because he's fucking right
I'm just being irresponsible and childish and lazy and stuffs
he's fucking right no doubt on that
no doubt at all

"yes, your son, me, is a fucking rubbish and useless piece of shit. now, can I at least have a peace of mind?"

"wow yes I'm irresponsible and lazy I didn't do works and stuffs how fucking failure ! sorry for being your son or should I say sorry for being existing now?"

"yeah you can get disappointed and sad and stuffs you can throw me out and let me live my life and let me die myself BUT NOT AFTER YOU RUINED MY LIFE WITH ALL THE THINGS I DON'T REALLY LIKE YOU CAN DUMP ME LIKE THREE YEARS AGO AND LET ME DECIDE AT LEAST MY OWN!FUCKING!LIFE! "

fuck I'm frustrated.

and do you know what is making me more frustrated?
I need to eventually leave this toilet and face all that again and again

fuck.
and its just the first thing I'm gonna start talking about.





it's been three days since orientation
I got to know some of the people
well everyone's nice
sure
its the first week
and we need group members soon
sure everyone's being nice and smiling
me myself too

but that's not what I'm thinking about.
what I'm thinking is that
the purpose of going there.

I knew from the start that
all those unilifes and activities
won't be a part of my story now
I need to keep reminding myself
that I'm not coming for friends and unilifes
I'm coming for the knowledges
and that's sad
cause when they introduced the societies
when they introduced the Tribes
when they showed pictures of everyone having fun in the camps and workshops
I need to fucking calm myself down
and tell myself to stop imagining myself in those photos
I know this is ridiculous
but yes I can't.
when they shout the tribe cheers
when I see the band playing those musics on the stage
all I can think about is how envy I am
those dreams I had
of performing with best friends on the stage
not necessary to be big stars
but just to bring music to the people in front
even if its only ten people
or even its just beside the road
that would be my bloody dreams.

but the reality is I slept for 2 hours
and then came to the toilet
just to escape from the reality that I'll need to face the man who created me and ruined me again.
it's not that scary actually
cause no matter how many times he said those cruel words to us
he'll eventually forgive us for like two days
he explained to us that those harmful words are like motivation to us
I mean yeah maybe it works
but it FUCKING HURTS.




shit I think I stayed too long in the toilet
I'll continue anyway
so I'll just stop here for now
geez I'm fucked up.