《陽臺》

兩個星期沒回來了
一方面感到開心
另一方面卻有點凄涼
開心是因為
回來這里的次數變少表示我的生活穩定多了
凄涼是因為
為什么自己會這樣想
部落格一開始是我的日記
然后是我發泄的地方
然后是我愛她的日記
然后是我憂郁的避風港

為什么會這樣演變
我甚至無從問起

今天回來
主要是想說說自己的近況

工作方面
雖然被父親責備的次數比較少了
但也只是因為我大多數都自己一個人處理
做帳、見供應商、銀行
這樣的日子我過得比較輕松
卻不是很喜歡
因為覺得這樣子的自己
只是在騙自己而已
手頭上的工作其實都是不難的事情
十分鐘搞定之后
會覺得沒什么事情做
然后就會覺得
沒有跟著父親出去的話
自己什么都做不到了
更覺得自己沒用
回到工作的境界中
就是這么一回事吧
一點都不好
但我能怎樣
只能隨著水流漂走




其實最最主要要回來的原因
還是離不開愛情吧

她沒有我也活得很好
這樣很好
我很開心
雖然沒有她的我
簡直 醉生夢死


She moved on
I know I will
But I don't know when

I'll try to fall for someone else
even if that means I'll need to betray our old love
but it's old already and I know that
I knew that

In fact I tried
and it's disgusting
I can't stop comparing her to literally every girl I met
the way they move they talk and they think
I know I'm selfish this way
I can't just say that I'm trying to fall for someone else
just to let her go
but I really want to
want to chat normally with other girls again
or just one girl
just another special one to make me forgot her enough
and I'll love the next girl like the way I loved her
just like she told me to

In fact's fact
I'm trying to chat with people again
after all this time
since she left me
I've never chatted with anyone else for months already
like, that kind of chat
when you reply almost immediately and wait for her reply
for months I live in my own world without sharing anything deep with others
and I'm starting to do that again
I started it three days ago with a friend of mine
but just when I think things are working out fine
life just fucked me right in the arse
that she suddenly became active in social medias these few days
photos uploaded
status posted
reminding me of how gorgeous she is
how beautiful she is
how perfect she is
I'm trying to get away from those you know
I tried to un-close friend her
removed her blog address from my bookmark although nothing will ever be posted again and I can memorize her address
to not see what her posted
to not think about her day and night

I tried

and I'm doing well till now

I know I'll get through it somehow

I know I ca do it

But

what is that feeling in my heart right now

when I'm trying to fall for another girl

but still I'm struggling to let her go

that feeling in my heart

feeling disgusted by myself
feeling angry with myself
feeling every negative emotions ever

fuck

fuck

唉
回來了。

也許
其實我根本沒有那么糾結
只是對于自己想要喜歡上下一個女生這點
覺得有點惡心
所以才不停譴責自己


也也許
我不過是饑渴難耐也說不定

總之我會試著再成為那個花心的陳富德

再一次就好
然后下一次
我只愛一個人
愛下一個女孩
她不放手
我也不放手
我也不放手。